College football starts this week. Let that sink in for a minute.
But we couldn’t let the 2017 season start without unveiling the 2017 All-Name Team.
Here are this year’s FBS names most worthy of Key & Peele’s legendary “East/West Bowl.”
Editor’s Note: For those wondering, Kobe Buffalomeat will play for FCS Illinois State and is gray-shirting this season, which is a crime against humanity.
QB: Jawon Pass (Louisville) — You just gotta play QB with a name like that.
RB: Soso Jamabo (UCLA) — Say what?
RB: Squally Canada (BYU) — Named after wind and a country. Naturally.
WR: Divine Deablo (Virginia Tech) — Divine Devil? How does that work?
WR: Equanimeous St. Brown (Notre Dame) — A St. at Notre Dame. How fitting.
TE: Kalvin Cline (Texas A&M) — How clever.
OL: Johnathan Boring (Troy) — How is this a real last name?
OL: Brodarius Hamm (Auburn) — How is this a real first name?
OL: Riley Lovingood (Tennessee) — We hear he’s a real ladies’ man.
OL: Poutasi Poutasi (Cal) — Anyone with the same first and last name is a gimme on this list.
DL: Dee Liner (Arkansas State) — Yes, the man’s name is also his position.
DL: Breeland Speaks (Ole Miss) — Please tell us Breeland only speaks in the third person.
DL: Lion King (Eastern Michigan) — How many Simba jokes has this poor guy endured?
DL: My-King Johnson (Arizona) — The hyphen is so clutch.
LB: Trevor Brohard (New Mexico State) — How exactly does one bro hard?
LB: Jango Glackin (Northwestern) — He likes to play unchained.
LB: Bull Barge (South Alabama) — It’s just so fun to say.
CB: Fofie Bazzie (Maryland) — Is he related to Covfefe?
CB: Jamez Brickhouse (Old Dominion) — He better be able to lay the wood on receivers.
S: Trequerrious Wadley (ULM) — “Trequerrious, typical spelling…”
S: Chaz Ah You (BYU) — BYU is a gold mine for All-Name Teamers.
P: Logan McElfresh (Minnesota) — “Ain’t nobody dope as me, I’m dressed so McElfresh so clean..”
K: Maximilian Schulze-Geisthovel (Boston College) — How does this all fit on the back of a jersey?